Have you ever had a foster placement or adoption plan fall through? Initially, you feel excited about the prospect of welcoming another child into your home. You start gathering things you think the child may need. Clothes. Toys. School supplies. But then you get another call that the plan is being changed. On one hand, you’re grateful there’s still a plan to keep the child safe, but on the other hand you feel a deep sense of loss and grief.
Learning to hold multiple conflicting emotions is a core part of foster care. All along the journey, we are holding both joy and grief. Beauty and hardship. Holding on and letting go.
My guest today knows precisely what this feels like. Melissa McGilliard has been married to Chris for sixteen years and is a stay-at-home mom to their three boys, the youngest of which joined their family through foster care.
In this episode, Melissa shares some of the raw emotions she has experienced as a foster parent, why better understanding herself has helped her better support her adopted child, and the importance of allowing your heart to hold conflicting emotions.
Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/melissa-mcgilliard-252/
“I couldn’t become a foster parent because I’d get too attached.”
This is a sentiment we’ve heard many times from those considering foster care.
We know that foster care is full of the good and the hard; both beauty and brokenness. Overcoming our fears and holding space for both of these things is no easy task. And in my guest’s experience, the fear of getting too attached is the very thing that makes you a good candidate to become a foster parent.
Caitlyn Baten has been married to her best friend, Tim, for six years. She’s an adoptive and foster mom, is passionate about advocacy and ethical storytelling, and is a devoted follower of Christ. Caitlyn spent most of her professional career in the counter-trafficking space and now works for Buckner International where she comes alongside churches and engages them in the domestic and international work they do.
In this episode, Caitlyn shares her honest experience of becoming a foster parent, why becoming attached to a whole family is important, practical advice for preparing for visits with biological parents, and the importance of giving yourself space for heavy emotions when a child reunifies.
Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/caitlyn-baten-251/
Open adoptions began in 1975, but they didn’t become more common until the 1990s. Today, 9 out of 10 adoptions are open. While open adoptions are far more common today, adoptive parents may have concerns and fears about navigating that relationship with a child's birth parents. Likewise, birth parents are often worried about finding the place they belong in the process and entrusting someone else to care for their child while still maintaining a relationship.
Today, I have the privilege of learning from and listening to someone who was formerly in foster care and who is also a birth mother. Jori Victory is an advocate for healthy, open adoption, mental health resources, and post-placement care for birth mothers. She lives in Utah with her four children.
In this episode, Jori shares with us her experience of navigating the birth and adoptive parent relationship, the importance of remaining in a child’s life, the loss that can come with not knowing your biological parents, and the challenge of discovering your identity in the midst of complex circumstances.
Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/jori-victory-250/
TW: This episode contains mentions of drug use, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. If these topics could be triggering for you or others, we wanted you to be aware of these topics before listening.
The trauma of our past can often define us and inform what we think and how we behave. This can create a cycle in which we are far more likely to repeat the mistakes of those who have gone before us.
As Darnella Miller was growing up, her mother was caught in a cycle of drug addiction, placing Darnella in many unsafe situations that led to multiple forms of abuse and eventually removal from her mother’s care.
Today, Darnella is the Founder and CEO of BornCovered, a program where she gets to use her personal journey through foster care, teenage parenthood, and aging out of the system to empower, support, and uplift young girls and youth facing similar challenges. A Brooklyn native, Darnella is deeply committed to her family. She is happily married, with three daughters and three bonus sons.
In this episode, you’ll hear the emotions children may experience when being placed in foster care, how Darnella has broken generational cycles, and how the system can offer valuable support.
Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/darnella-miller-249/